The existential fatigue runs deep
it never lets up
I spin in a constant burnout

I have accepted my life will never be normal
not like everyone else
I wish I could forget
events that created the turmoil in my mind

Each day I muster the strength to get through the waking hours
find ways to concentrate on the daily tasks that must be done
PTSD burnout never ends
my mind can never rest

Push through the pain
Push through the fear
Push through the clenched jaw
Push through the depression
Push through the fatigue

The constant churning in my head
means there is never a day of rest and relaxation
there are moments
but they are fleeting

Some days are hard
I’m overwhelmed, beaten down
that’s when the flashbacks come
when my brain can’t keep the memories out
and the horrors come flooding in

In the fetal position on the closet floor, I cry
I’m done
I can’t take it anymore
and yet…

Push through the fog and fuzziness
Push through the rapid heartbeat
Push through the vivid, visceral flashback
Push through
I always find a way to push through

What I do to get to tomorrow is unthinkable to most
They will never experience trauma,
my trauma
and running on empty every moment of the day

It’s a constant struggle
I remind myself even normal people struggle
it’s harder for me with added trauma
continual through my formative years
the PTSD burnout is always intense

I will hit a wall again
I will need to sleep all day
I will need to self-isolate
I will nosedive into negative self-talk
I will spend a day in a never-ending flashback
My coping skills will fail
and that’s okay
as long as I don’t permanently give up

I lay my head upon my pillow
breathe deeply
perform my sleep routine
recollect the trials of the day
Exhausted, I try to spin down my mind
experience a brief slumber

I am a fucking superhero
in a war with myself
and a body in continual survival mode
yet, I must remember
to be kind
I’m doing the best I can

Surviving didn’t make me stronger
I survived because I was strong
and I will get up tomorrow
and persevere again