Dancing at the edges of fire

Walk to the car
just walk to the car
there’s no one inside
it’s safe there

speak the words
to quell the thoughts
silence the memories
crush the flashbacks
keep the constant dialogue
to get the fear the fuck out of my head

the triggers are a minefield I must traverse
some are known, others explode in waves I must ride out
while they create new destruction I must rebuild

This PTSD does not discriminate
it is an equal-opportunity destroyer

smells, noises, people moving around me
all must be navigated, investigated
looking for a final determination of safety

rooms of all shapes and sizes
constantly scanned
threat assessments made
exits located
respite is brief, if at all
while being overwhelmed, exhausted, barely functional
at the end of the day

the back seat in the movie theater must be obtained
or a refund of a ticket will be required

He has come to accept the “quirks” of my life
though he does not truly understand
How could anybody?

there is nothing for you to fix
just listen
care
a kind word
to feel normal

The scars are invisible
You can’t feel my feelings
You cringe at the visual picture painted
of abuse
of pain
of terror

I relive this battle
this inner screaming
and debilitating fight to survive
ambulating through the annals of my mind

events painted and repainted
advancing into a slow motion retelling of horror
in vivid detail

stomach-churning
shallow breathing
frustration
dread
panic
fear

the haze of emotion of prolonged trauma
lasts for hours
sometimes days
the mind and body fights to escape
the endless loop of despair

inventories, stones, a wooden coin with a hopeful message
grounding me to the here and now
keeps the torment at bay
keeps the chance to sleep a possibility

go easy on yourself they say
but it’s a continual struggle

Contentment is fleeting, rare
When it arrives, I remain there as long as possible
lest another tidal wave appear and consume me

It’s my war within
a war I never wanted to be in
and it’s occurred over the course of my lifetime
I am strong, but it sometimes feels like a never-ending nightmare I can never escape
It takes control and the tears don’t stop

I did not cause this war
I did not set the battles in motion
Yet, I continue to fight on

je me souviens
I remember
ça fait encore mal
it still hurts
je dois survivre
I must survive

And I do
looking toward the next quiescent contemplation
when I can breathe again